1. Forget what your English teacher taught you. Use Capital Letters mid-sentence for words that are not Proper Nouns (see what I did there?) This is very humorous. It is so that knowing people reading your blog can go hahaha, she is not crap at English, oh no, she knows where capital letters belong but is Employing them with Irony to great humorous effect. And so that when such people read the blog out loud, to their friends say, they know which bits to Emphasise.
2. Introduce regular characters. Heretofore, I have not had any regular characters like a Canadian pathologist or a He Man Pilot Hero or indeed a Short Tony. This clearly explains why I am not inundated with comments every single day. So, just to show that you CAN teach an old dog new tricks, I am going to introduce some quirky characters, cunningly combining them with rule number one to make things like: Generously Bosomed Little Sister or Eco-ranting Pregnant One (this latter one might have a short shelf-life given that she may some day give birth. But hey, the rate she's going she's bound to be knocked up again in no time).
3. Post some pictures. People like illustrations. It breaks up the text. Like this.
4. Write about Topical Things and Current Affairs. Comment on Big Brother. And Update your blog daily or people will stop giving a fiddlers. You will lose the interest of your fickle, Big Brother watching audience. Even if you've nothing to say, post. Post about posting if you will. Like I am now, really.
5. Tell people about your blog. Shout it defiantly from the rooftops. Introduce yourself at parties in the following fashion: "Hello, I'm (insert witty blogging name here) from (insert witty blog title here). You can find me at (insert URL here). Don't walk away from me you (insert expletive here)." Enough of all that "I wanted to remain anonymous and keep my private life out of the public eye" business. If you're blogging about your private life, dumb-ass, then that's all a bit on the redundant side don't you think?
6. Draw. This one is hard. I can't even draw with a pencil and paper, even if the paper is transparent and there's a highly visible easy to follow work of art underneath. As if that wasn't hard enough, now it's all the rage to draw on your blog. I have yet to fathom how people do this with their computers. The mind boggles. And jigs about a little, but that's a separate issue. I'm going to have to omit this key rule exhibited finely here. This may be why I will never get any comments and he will get gazillions.
That's all for now folks. Just a few simple rules and you too can be a Successful Blogger. Unlike me. Sigh... (When all else fails, just look for sympathy and talk about being sad and alone and angst-ridden in general. The people who read blogs are a morbidly depressed lot really and like to Identify with other Blue People.)
3 comments:
I´m just trying to start on this blog thing and I think your post was helpful and funny, even if I have no clue about half of the things you´re talking about! :P My first post was in spanish but I might try to do spanish and english I´ll see.
Take care!
I am a Blue Person!
Woo-hoo for us!
Woohoo Miss Tickle (and Welcome)!
Dury: There is a uniform that involves a very large bump around the belly area. If you can pull that off, and maybe some hemp-like attire with twigs attached, you're away.
Mystic: Good luck with This Blog Thing. Remember, they are simple rules but effective.
And finally: Yippee! I have THREE COMMENTS! I'm going to have to lie down now and bask in my successful blogossity.
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